what do animals think when they see people dancing
That headline was a wild adventure from start to finish.
the bad sex awards are my favourite literary prize tho
It’s SO much worse than the headline suggests:
“Reaching behind me, I found the Brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it. She tasted almost as she had the day I took the drop of milk on my finger.
Manon smiled when she realised what I was doing.
You know the peasant saying? If you can’t imagine how neighbouring vineyards can produce such different wines put one finger in your woman’s quim and another up her arse, then taste both and stop asking stupid questions… My fingers found both vineyards. At the front, she tasted salt as anchovy and as delicious. At the rear, bitter like chocolate and smelling strangely of tobacco.” (x)
brb never eating cheese or milk or anchovies or chocolate or tobacco or wine again.
I am in tears I am laughing so hard
the nurse gave me some valium before my surgery so i wouldn’t have a panic attack when they tried to put me under and just when it was starting to kick in i met my anesthesiologist, who told me I have the same name as his kid and I just nodded thoughtfully and said ‘we must battle so i can become the alpha’ and my dad nearly fell out of his chair he was laughing so hard
there’s a special place in hell for people who worship satan
no seriously they probably get the penthouse suite and have sleepovers with him
my friends sister was telling me about how in highschool a guy tried to take a picture up her skirt as she was walking up stairs and she saw, grabbed his phone, broke it in half, and handed it back to him and said “you can tell your mom why your phones broken”
for a second I forgot about flip phones and I was like how in the holy hell did she rip a phone in half
starkid challenge | 6 videos
→ Goin’ Back to Hogwarts at Azkatraz
Every fandom ever
This gets better the longer you watch
Barney is the fan who insists on complete silence and purity in the fandom. Feels should not get in the way.
Ted is the fan who is too emotionally invested in his ship and screams whenever they are on-screen.
Lily is the fan who cries about everything that happens— even when it’s not the least bit emotional.
And Marshall is the hate-watcher who is horrified with the whole fandom but can’t stop watching.
i am Barney
my dog is named Lucky
and sometimes he escapes from our house, so we have to go get Lucky
and sometimes it’ll be dark out, and we’ll be up all night to get Lucky
you’re under arrest for being so darn cute! haha! just joking we know you killed that man
I asked Siri if I’d ever get married and it consulted the magic conch